I don’t know how Your life, say a year ago, has been but, assumingly, for most of you it might’ve been different – for better or worse.
And with that there always comes hindsight…or to put it more simply – comparing how you were doing back then to now. Some of You might be glad you’re past whatever was happening at the time, for example a year ago, while some of you would be smiling – going back to when things might’ve been better or simply different – in its positive sense.
But what if…nothing has changed? Everything’s seemingly the same for most part, but yet despite that there’s a feeling of something lost, that even if the today is no different to yesterday, there’s a feeling of sadness because you’re no longer in the past? …
See, this is what i’ve been feeling and I have not been able to find an answer as to why that is – perhaps it’s that a year ago i’ve had hopes that haven’t been realized in the future (today), and simply wish to hold them once again? Maybe it’s simply the fact that i’m aware of time passing and/or no changes in my life being made? Maybe it’s all merely all an illusion – maybe I simply hate my life situation of today, the same that I had in the past and further back… or what if it’s all of those combined? Truly, I don’t know an answer, a definite one, and trying to figure one which one it is futile.
I’m positive that i’m not the only one out there who might share the same feeling, but I digress – I just wish for You to have a life that is not in stagnation, so you don’t have to share this feeling, as it is not pleasant but rather torturous…
While the song isn’t nearly as relevant to the theme of this post, I can identify with one of the part of lyrics…”I simply don’t understand my life”…
We are often witnesses of events and situations, that bring out a reaction from us and which we form an opinion about – that is to judge in my view, and perhaps I might be incorrect. And some things have no space for having several judgements – there can be only one that is correct in extreme cases.
But let’s talk about the other end of an extreme situation…of suicide. Can there be a judgement made? An opinion formed? Is anyone truly capable of judging such thing?
No. In order to understand someone’s decision or willingness to take it, it is necessary to know how they’re feeling, what they’re thinking and their situation and unfortunately, we cannot directly enter the mind of another person in hopes of acquiring such information. You can of course also speak with them, but can we be sure that their words reflect the truth, that it isn’t simply hidden away somewhere? That their mind won’t suddenly flip and do the opposite of what you’ve been told – that they’re fine and won’t do such thing?
No, I don’t believe so. Therefore I find it impossible to judge that. Or judge someone’s fears – everyone has a different one for different reasons and with different backstory behind it, it is not up to anyone to decide what a person should and can fear and what they shouldn’t. Or judge someone’s feelings arising from a certain situation, moment, experience – like depression after having experienced some hardship of their own, that they cannot bear and take.
Apologise in advance for any lack of coherence, logic and errors, I’m not well with my sleep at time of writing. But I often have thoughts, especially at night, that I fail to write down or forget about. With this, I hope to keep them somewhere and share at same time. Hope it’ll be a short and maybe good or thoughtful read for some of you, at least.
Isn’t it weird how events and experiences of the past – that has passed a long time ago – still live on and continue to influence your thought processing?
I feel terrible for having done some regretable actions in the past – poking fun at people weaker than me, in order to fit in with a specific group or just being an asshole (which to be fair, I still am in the tone of my language…), since everyone else to me was. I feel terrible for being an idiot and not taking some chances that might’ve put me on different set of rails in life. And those things manifest themselves, that they’ve happend or rather had not – by having me remind of them, reliving in my head. It’s one of reasons why I refuse to sleep, as my brain just loves to activate itself at night and just these things, and it just never stops unless I cry myself to sleep, get so tired and numb from those thoughts or have myself put to a vegetable state where I can just sleep instantly the moment I get into my bed, by just….not sleeping for as long as I can, browsing internet aimlessly without a purpose, just to occupy my head.
It started few years back and it hadn’t stopped. Will it stop? maybe if I learn to accept the past or eradicate all and every memory of it. But as i’ve stated at the start, they also impact my thought process – why? Because I desperately do not want to repeat the same mistakes, at least that’s what I tell myself, so I try to act in opposition to what the past has given me.
And is it childish or just…unreasonable to still live by the past? Yes. Do I do it out of my own will or conscious decision? No, and I want it to stop. I don’t want you to understand – to truly understand that, you’d need to be put in same position as I am, but try to have empathy, is all I ask.
Well, that’d be it there and then, i’ll see you later…somewhere surely.