Isn’t it weird how events and experiences of the past – that has passed a long time ago – still live on and continue to influence your thought processing?
I feel terrible for having done some regretable actions in the past – poking fun at people weaker than me, in order to fit in with a specific group or just being an asshole (which to be fair, I still am in the tone of my language…), since everyone else to me was. I feel terrible for being an idiot and not taking some chances that might’ve put me on different set of rails in life. And those things manifest themselves, that they’ve happend or rather had not – by having me remind of them, reliving in my head. It’s one of reasons why I refuse to sleep, as my brain just loves to activate itself at night and just these things, and it just never stops unless I cry myself to sleep, get so tired and numb from those thoughts or have myself put to a vegetable state where I can just sleep instantly the moment I get into my bed, by just….not sleeping for as long as I can, browsing internet aimlessly without a purpose, just to occupy my head.
It started few years back and it hadn’t stopped. Will it stop? maybe if I learn to accept the past or eradicate all and every memory of it. But as i’ve stated at the start, they also impact my thought process – why? Because I desperately do not want to repeat the same mistakes, at least that’s what I tell myself, so I try to act in opposition to what the past has given me.
And is it childish or just…unreasonable to still live by the past? Yes. Do I do it out of my own will or conscious decision? No, and I want it to stop. I don’t want you to understand – to truly understand that, you’d need to be put in same position as I am, but try to have empathy, is all I ask.
Well, that’d be it there and then, i’ll see you later…somewhere surely.