Maturing.

Hey, how have you all been? Hopefully well or better than last time i’ve asked this.

Since then, I’ve been accepted to university, after passing an exam I didn’t expect to go all that well or at very least had big expectations for. That is an actual step into adult life, or at least something that will significantly determine how it turns or so I would say.

It’s a great opportunity for me and a pride for my family, which doesn’t really have many people who even got accepted into a university, but it also concerns me in one area – the very fact that I simply feel….immature, for the space that i’m about to enter.

Despite my education, I feel like a child – spending days on games, mindlessly scrolling and browsing internet and not being all that productive with the way I manage my time – and it’s not just a matter of simply being like this during the holidays I’m currently enjoying, but of how I’ve always acted at any time, and this concerns me as university is no primary, middle or high school, where you could afford to do all of this and still pass with an ease.

While I’ve recognized the problem some time ago, I consistently struggle to overcome it – I’ve tried several hard measures that we’re very extreme (such as completely blocking my own access to games, for example), but none of them were very effective and had a longlasting effect on me, which is very unfortunate.

There is however, a silver lining in all of this – the fact that there is something at stake, as university is much more serious than high school for the matter and will decide my career, might just force myself to change the way I live and manage time.

Or i’ll keep going forward with minimal effort (as I see it), as I always did. But I prefer the former possibility.

The road

Hey, how are things going in Your life? Hopefully well, since my last post I’ve finished school and my exams, only waiting to be accepted by the university i’ve applied to. Free days are many, and I’ve lost sense of time in a way – I hardly feel it passing. But that leaves me a lot of space to spend energy on thinking, and one of the thoughts focuses on a specific theme – that of a road.

Each one of us has to tread through life, and for each of us such a journey is through own individual path, where we end up at a specific point and meet various other people on their own walk alongside the way – this isn’t a discovery, as it is fairly often utilized metaphor for life, but what I’ve asked myself is whether the destination we wanted to come to (or didn’t, but yet arrived at it) required us to go through the path that we did? And if the people or experiences that we’ve came to know were exclusive to it all? Could we have taken a different approach and still have met the same people that we did, go through the same joys and pains? Even ignoring all of that, could it be possible to change everything of the above – people we’ve seen, experiences we’ve had, but yet end up where we did?

An example of what i’m trying to say is – what if I, instead of becoming accustomed to internet communities, essentially spending most if not all of my time there, I spent all the time on my outside life, on the people I can actually meet and see – could I still end up meeting my internet friends, even if by a chance, by browsing through the internet just for a slight moment? Would I still just somehow enter the communities of games that I am currently part of? And say for a moment that what I said a moment ago – about me focusing on my real life affairs this entire time – for something of a fact, the reality – could I still possibly be in the current position that I am, where I just consider myself as a wreck of a man? Despite the change of the circumstances?

All of those deliberations stem from me being unhappy with my current life and the road that I’ve treaded to walk to this point I am in, and trying to see, perhaps hopelessly and for no reason, whether it was possible for it all to be different – a scenario, in which everything has changed for better, while still retaining the parts of this journey that I see as positive (like some of the people I’ve met, my good friends), the parts that were of vital importance for my own personal development, but simply without all the unnecessary suffering and pain, that hasn’t served any purpose – with no lesson to be taken from it. There’s also the lingering possibility, that no amount of changes could change the outcome – people met and experiences could be different, but the sum of that might still end up being negative, in spite of the changes.

But even despite it all, I would still like to end up where I did as a person.

Apologies for perhaps chaotic post. Hope You made slight sense out of it and perhaps it encouraged you to think about your own life – and hopefully, there is not much to think about, if it was already happy to begin with, which it should be.

Past and present.

I don’t know how Your life, say a year ago, has been but, assumingly, for most of you it might’ve been different – for better or worse.

And with that there always comes hindsight…or to put it more simply – comparing how you were doing back then to now. Some of You might be glad you’re past whatever was happening at the time, for example a year ago, while some of you would be smiling – going back to when things might’ve been better or simply different – in its positive sense.

But what if…nothing has changed? Everything’s seemingly the same for most part, but yet despite that there’s a feeling of something lost, that even if the today is no different to yesterday, there’s a feeling of sadness because you’re no longer in the past? …

See, this is what i’ve been feeling and I have not been able to find an answer as to why that is – perhaps it’s that a year ago i’ve had hopes that haven’t been realized in the future (today), and simply wish to hold them once again? Maybe it’s simply the fact that i’m aware of time passing and/or no changes in my life being made? Maybe it’s all merely all an illusion – maybe I simply hate my life situation of today, the same that I had in the past and further back… or what if it’s all of those combined? Truly, I don’t know an answer, a definite one, and trying to figure one which one it is futile.

I’m positive that i’m not the only one out there who might share the same feeling, but I digress – I just wish for You to have a life that is not in stagnation, so you don’t have to share this feeling, as it is not pleasant but rather torturous…

While the song isn’t nearly as relevant to the theme of this post, I can identify with one of the part of lyrics…”I simply don’t understand my life”…

A small thought on judging.

We are often witnesses of events and situations, that bring out a reaction from us and which we form an opinion about – that is to judge in my view, and perhaps I might be incorrect. And some things have no space for having several judgements – there can be only one that is correct in extreme cases.

But let’s talk about the other end of an extreme situation…of suicide. Can there be a judgement made? An opinion formed? Is anyone truly capable of judging such thing?

No. In order to understand someone’s decision or willingness to take it, it is necessary to know how they’re feeling, what they’re thinking and their situation and unfortunately, we cannot directly enter the mind of another person in hopes of acquiring such information. You can of course also speak with them, but can we be sure that their words reflect the truth, that it isn’t simply hidden away somewhere? That their mind won’t suddenly flip and do the opposite of what you’ve been told – that they’re fine and won’t do such thing?

No, I don’t believe so. Therefore I find it impossible to judge that. Or judge someone’s fears – everyone has a different one for different reasons and with different backstory behind it, it is not up to anyone to decide what a person should and can fear and what they shouldn’t. Or judge someone’s feelings arising from a certain situation, moment, experience – like depression after having experienced some hardship of their own, that they cannot bear and take.

Apologise in advance for any lack of coherence, logic and errors, I’m not well with my sleep at time of writing. But I often have thoughts, especially at night, that I fail to write down or forget about. With this, I hope to keep them somewhere and share at same time. Hope it’ll be a short and maybe good or thoughtful read for some of you, at least.

Spontaneous post #1

Isn’t it weird how events and experiences of the past – that has passed a long time ago – still live on and continue to influence your thought processing?

I feel terrible for having done some regretable actions in the past – poking fun at people weaker than me, in order to fit in with a specific group or just being an asshole (which to be fair, I still am in the tone of my language…), since everyone else to me was. I feel terrible for being an idiot and not taking some chances that might’ve put me on different set of rails in life. And those things manifest themselves, that they’ve happend or rather had not – by having me remind of them, reliving in my head. It’s one of reasons why I refuse to sleep, as my brain just loves to activate itself at night and just these things, and it just never stops unless I cry myself to sleep, get so tired and numb from those thoughts or have myself put to a vegetable state where I can just sleep instantly the moment I get into my bed, by just….not sleeping for as long as I can, browsing internet aimlessly without a purpose, just to occupy my head.

It started few years back and it hadn’t stopped. Will it stop? maybe if I learn to accept the past or eradicate all and every memory of it. But as i’ve stated at the start, they also impact my thought process – why? Because I desperately do not want to repeat the same mistakes, at least that’s what I tell myself, so I try to act in opposition to what the past has given me.

And is it childish or just…unreasonable to still live by the past? Yes. Do I do it out of my own will or conscious decision? No, and I want it to stop. I don’t want you to understand – to truly understand that, you’d need to be put in same position as I am, but try to have empathy, is all I ask.

Well, that’d be it there and then, i’ll see you later…somewhere surely.

Loneliness and isolation.

When we are in a social circle, when we are someone known and often talked to, we don’t notice other parts of our environment, of our social space. If we were to, for a moment, blur out people in front of us, our friends and people we spend time with, we would find other groups of friends, people who talk to and keep by each other – but also those who stand out by the fact they hide themselves – the loners sitting in a corner, listening to music and browsing internet. They who don’t speak much to anyone or just very little, enough to get by. Not many people know them – their interests, personality and feelings merely by the virtue of their quietness and the fact they don’t come to people by themselves and as a result – others don’t take interest in them. They are not memorable people – how can they be if they aren’t putting themselves out, right? Well, i’d like to tell you about the experience of being a loner.

Now, what you’d need to know about me is that I used to be an open, outgoing person. Before I moved from where I used to live, I was really, really popular (in the school) and socially (as well as physically!) active, open, talkative and every afternoon I would always have some friends to hang out with, someone to talk to or do sports with – everything was great! That changed the moment I’ve moved – it was a new environment, but I thought at the time that I simply needed to walk in, present myself and act like I did back then and there. Well, I was hated from the moment i’ve stepped in there, despite my attempts at being nice, social and friendly – people just wouldn’t accept me and openly mocked, gossiped about and bullied me. I didn’t see (and still don’t) the reasons for why they were so against me, so superstitious – but it changed in how I viewed people, developing a superstition of my own – that regardless of what I’d do people would hate and treat me with hostility. Another result was that my own perception of myself has shattered, so to speak – I began to think of me as the problem, a reason for how i’ve been treated – it went as far as me simply thinking of it as a punishment of sorts, something i’ve deserved for being a bad person, even though I haven’t done any wrong – especially having just moved in to this new environment. I couldn’t understand the reasons for the people’s hate of me, and so I began searching for reasons for this, that could in any way explain what was happening – even if the reasons I came to myself were just as irrational as the response of the people i’ve just met. However all of this combined have meant that I, perhaps not fully aware of it and partially because of the circumstances, began to adapt a shut-in, isolated “personality”, where I would stay silent and keep to myself.

However, even if people later on were more friendly and treated me more better, I stayed shut-in and still spoke little and went outside not so often, but why would anyone isolate themselves out of choice? Well, to speak for myself from perspective of time, it was just a self-defense mechanism. This experience absolutely ruined me as a person – destroying my self-esteem, negatively reshaping my personality, making me scared to go outside (there were few accidents, where I went outside only to be more bullied by the same people from school), proving to me how my view son social interaction and people were wrong – no longer I was willing to be open to them, to talk to them, no longer I could have any trust. Isolation was not only the natural outcome of those things summed up, but also something you could in a very simplistic, child’s view call only good option left. Think of it as if you were 10 or 11 (which I was at the time) – if being open and social got you in this hell, then the opposite of it won’t, and more so would protect you from being hurt in the future.

Scream by Edvard Munch – main focus of the painting is onto a screaming man, who hides his ears from the outside noise, and in such a gesture also showing his will to isolate from others. Yet as he cuts himself off from environment, he is unaware of what he’s turning back at; as he is not looking at it and doesn’t notice and is unable to see the beauty of the ocean behind his back or sky above him. In a way, you could say i’ve attempted to do the same – isolate myself from everything and become blind and deaf to what and who I was surrounded by – friendly people, with whom I could’ve developed a friendship.

Isolation has protected me for quite many years, about 7 or 8 now. I wasn’t bullied or harassed. I wasn’t gossiped nor bothered. But while isolation has served its purpose, it started to grow on me. Because while I had my superstitions, my own doubts about myself (do I even deserve to talk to anyone, to be friends with someone?) – there was an awareness that I’m going against myself – the boy who used to be open and social, very chatty and loud – he was still within me and wanted to be out, to meet and be with others – and created an identity crisis, that remains unsolved to this day. Not being and talking with others also meant that I never truly built any friendships with people by which I’ve been surrounded, which also meant I couldn’t truly develop myself – at least when it comes to developing my social personality. In fact I was and still am anxious about any perspective of social activity, with a still lingering fear of going out to others, even if I wish I did it more often and do enjoy the rare times I do that. 

I, in the hindsight, have asked myself – was it all worth it? Was hiding, in a sense shielding myself from the outside world a good development for me? In regards to that I can only imagine and presume what could be, if I decided to let my other half out from the protective bubble of loneliness, that I after a certain point decided to retain not because of my situation, but because of pure fear. But I certainly don’t have to think far to see that I’ve missed many social opportunities, potential friendships and moments or memories, that I could have had, but which I’ll unfortunately not have. I can only hope that I, in the future, won’t be asking myself the same question, as I do today in relation to my past. 

Loneliness by Oana Dascalu – While I may have sailed through the lone waters and parked my boat in them once the darkness have settled in, I and other people in my position should remember that when the sun rise comes, we should sail once again in pursuit of finding a safe port, where we’ll able to stay – not alone, but in company of others.

Isolation and loneliness, be it from circumstances or by a conscious decision, is not a good development for the long-term. It may serve its purpose short-term, but in the longer run it’ll, in my experience, do harm to you, one that you won’t notice immediately, but with time. I also wouldn’t want to omit people who decide to be loners because they prefer keeping to themselves, but there’s a difference between extreme end of isolation – where you completely cut ties with others, speak little and not go out to them – and one where you stay quiet in the public, but stick by few people that you trust, with which you talk and spend time. Lastly, as a heart to heart finishing note – I wish I didn’t go through the experience I did to tell you that being lonely and isolate is indeed damaging for whoever is in that position. I hope that You, the reader, don’t share my experience or at very least might take some notes from what I tried to message here.